13:50 - Young Syrian, Captain of the Guard
Beloved by the Page of Herodias, this brave young man was willing to sacrifice his semi-elite job for Princess Salome, who he loved, but he slayed himself when he realized that she loved Iokanaan instead. Talk about a love triangle!
14:35 - Iokanaan, The Prophet
All Iokanaan wanted was to preach the word of God. When Salome realized that Iokanaan loved God more than he could ever love her, she had his head cut off. Because, of course.
15:00 - Salome, Daughter of Herodias
After a long uphill battle that ended in an unrequited love, King Herod realized that his step-daughter was really a lunatic and accomplice to murder, so he ordered his drunk friends to kill her.
19:20 - Alarbus, Son of Tamora
Alarbus arrived in Rome as a prisoner of war, but he didn't stay long. He was killed by the order of Titus Andronicus, a Roman general, as a sacrifice. Cause of death: lopping off of limbs and feeding of entrails to fire.
19:30 - Mutius, Son of Titus Andronicus
While Mutius attempted to defend the honor of Lavinia (his sister), Titus Andronicus (his father) slayed him. With a name like Mutius, I don't know what else you expected.
19:55 - Bassianus, Brother of Saturninus
As the brother of the Emperor of Rome, Bassianus held power in the city, but apparently not enough - or maybe too much - because he was murdered by Tamora's sons and thrown into a pit in front of his newlywed wife, Lavinia.
20:15 - Martius and Quintus, Sons of Titus Andronicus
There was a bit of a mix-up, so Martius and Quintus were blamed for Bassianus's death. Titus Andronicus sliced off his own hand as a sacrificial offering to save them from the hands of Saturninus, but that was another mix-up, so they were beheaded anyway.
20:45 - Messenger
They say "Don't shoot the messenger," but I'm not sure that Aaron got the message. Or, if he did, he didn't like it, because this messenger was hung after delivery. At least the pigeons got there.
21:15 - Nurse
This Nurse had a job title that wasn't "messenger," but she still died for the same reason. Aaron didn't like what she had to say about his illegitimate son.
21:17 - Midwife
When the Nurse gave Aaron the message about his son, Aaron wanted to double check that no one else would spill the beans, so he murdered the Midwife for good measure.
22:05 - Demetrius and Chiron, Sons of Tamora
Unconvincingly disguised as rape and murder, these two boys messed with the wrong man when they killed Bassianus, raped Lavinia (cutting off her hands and tongue in the process), then framed and murdered Martius and Quintus. Therefore, Titus Andronicus slit their throats and made Lavinia collect the blood so that he could bake a pie with their heads inside and make Tamora, their mother, eat it. Not necessarily the most appetizing meal, but it got 3 stars on Yelp.
22:30 - Lavinia, Daughter of Titus Andronicus
Due to her impurity after being maimed, Titus Andronicus decided that the best course of action would be to kill his daughter rather than have her live in shame and pain for the rest of her life.
22:31 - Tamora, Queen of the Goths
Titus Andronicus was fed up with Tamora's conniving ways, so he made her eat the pie with her sons' heads inside, then killed her.
22:32 - Titus Andronicus
Saturninus wanted to avenge the death of his late wife, Tamora, so he stabbed and killed Titus Andronicus.
22:33 - Saturninus, Emperor of Rome
Lucius watched three people die in a row and almost ate a meal of two other deceased, so he decided to put a stop to it...by killing the Emperor, who had slain his father.
22:45 - Aaron the Moor, Tamora's Lover
The true mastermind behind most of the dead was truly an evil man who, when offered the chance to repent, only regretted that he had not committed 10,000 more atrocities. Therefore, Lucius, the newly appointed Emperor of Rome, had Aaron buried in the ground up to his neck and starved of food, threatening to kill any who fed or even pitied Aaron, thus ending the cycle of deaths by threatening more death. Obviously.
No comments:
Post a Comment